Mother Goose.

Nursery rhymes! We all loved them as children and they are nostalgic pieces of memories as adults. But no one has ever taken the time to critically think about some of those rhymes... what is Mother Goose's message? Is there a message at all? Well, the answer is NO. Simply put... Mother Goose was addicted to heroin. Where else would cows jump over moons than in the mind of a junkie? Well, I got to thinking about some of her rhymes and began to use some critical thinking skills... this is the problem with Mother Goose.

I'll start with my man, Peter...

• Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
  A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.
  If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
  How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?

Now my question is... why? Why the fuck was Peter picking pickled peppers? If you pickle a pepper, it's not a pepper anymore, it's a spicy ass pickle, right? Where are the pickled pepper farms? Are they in Pennsylvania? How much is a peck and why did Peter only grab a peckful? Can you feed a family off a peckful? Was it Peter's pickled pepper farm or a neighbor's? If it was his neighbor's pickled pepper farm, did he get permission to pick from it? Do you get a rifle and pick Peter off for trespassing?

And then there's Humpty's dumb ass...

• Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
  Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
  All the king's horses and all the king's men
  Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Fuckin' clutz. Why the fuck was Humpty on a wall and how do you sit if you don't have a butt to sit on? He's a fucking egg. Who was Humpty Dumpty? Was a royal egg? What's his relationship with the king? They cant' be siblings because that would suggest that the king is also an egg... or a chicken or anything that lays eggs. Perhaps Humpty could've been put back together had the king's horses not helped. For fucks sake... horses don't even have thumbs! When they found that they couldn't put him together again... do you let him fry on the pavement? Would that be Humpty sunny side up or over easy?

Then you have the Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck of the nursery rhyme world.

• Jack and Jill went up the hill
  To fetch a pail of water.
  Jack fell down and broke his crown,
  And Jill came tumbling after.

Did an ambulance ever come to help Jack? He had to hit his head pretty hard if he broke his crown. Did Jack have health insurance? If not, is John Q. his father because he didn't have health insurance either. Jill's most definitely a dumbass for not watching her step after witnessing Jack take a tumble. Who's idea was it to put a well on top of a steep hill? Did an ambulance come for Jill or were they both left there to bleed to death?

Also,

• London Bridge is falling down,
  Falling down, Falling down.
  London Bridge Is falling down,
  My fair lady.

Who the fuck cares about a fair lady when a bridge is falling down? Why aren't you running to get help? I'm sure somebody was on that bridge. Was Humpty Dumpty on that bridge? Why is this rhyme so redundant? I mean, do you really have to repeat the fact that the bridge fell down so many times? Somebody would've heard it right?

Then,

• Rock-a-bye baby, in the treetop,
  When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,
  When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,
  And down will come baby, cradle and all.

Why the fuck is a baby in a treetop? What kind of tree is it? Who and how'd they get a cradle to balance up there? Was anybody around to catch the baby? If not... poor kid. Where is CPS when you need them? Does the family always put their kid in the tree when they go out?

There's more...

• Three blind mice. Three blind mice.
  See how they run. See how they run.
  They all ran after the farmer's wife,
  Who cut off their tails with a carving knife,
  Did you ever see such a sight in your life,
  As three blind mice?

First and foremost; the farmer's wife is a beast for catching three mice and was able to cut all three of their tails off. But can you really say that they were chasing her? They were blind, I'd like to think they were just running. Why would you want to run when your blind? That's dangerous and just plain stupid. R.W.B. (Running While Blind) is stupid but you have to acknowledge the unsung valor of these mice... their blind AND running.

And last...

• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
  She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
  She gave them some broth without any bread,
  Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

Would you consider living in a shoe government housing because that definitely sounds like something our government would do. If that's government housing, was the woman black? I mean, they put the poor lady in a shoe, that's harsh, and the government reserves their harshest treatment for black people. What's your address when you live in a shoe? Who's name is on the lease? Is that person the sole owner? (Get it?) How much rent do you have to pay when you live in a shoe? If you live in a shoe, why start a family? What size shoe did they live in and what kind of shoe was it?

Do you believe me now? Mother Goose has been bamboozling us for centuries and getting paid! We learn these rhymes in grade school and we repeat them with glee, never really thinking about what we say. We HAVE to look at the issues at hand here, people; Mother Goose was on some serious drugs... that being said... say no to drugs. (Or no to just the really hard drugs like coke & crystal meth.)